Fair warning, this is going to be a first draft post because if I edit it I will probably never post it and I need to be honest with myself with some accountability.
So, the ugly truth is that I am lazy. I haven’t been writing as much as I would like to lately because I am tired. Beyond tired. Absolutely freaking exhausted. I am not sure about you other creative people but I have a hell of a time being creative when I am tired.
You know what that is, right? Alan, my dad, used to always say that excuses were like assholes. Everyone has them and they all stink. I am facing that fact now. I will never be tired so my option is to quit writing or not quit writing. I don’t want to quit. I sound like a baby. Yes I know it. So the only way to write is to write. Sans distraction. Sans excuses.
I have used this tired excuse and not being creative to justify doing other things to distract me. Painting models (which I love and helps keep me sane), playing the occasional game and watching a whole lot of television. I watch way more tv than ever before because my wife is working from home and gets in her hours after the babies bedtime. It helps keep her up as she grinds out the necessary work and I have a very likely co-dependent need to spend any time I can with her. Even something as loathsome as a video lobotomy.
I can feel myself becoming stupider. Whether as a result of the exhaustion, the couple of hours of tv a day, or the lack of writing I can’t say but I am.
What can I do to change things? Well, the first and most obvious is just to fucking write. Which brings me back to being tired and not being creative when I am tired. It’s not going to change. Does that mean I should just abandon that hope and take some pressure off of myself? Should I just harden the fuck up and do it even if it is crap?
Oh speaking of crap, what little writing I have been doing lately has been absolute crap. Awful, unreadable, agenda laden garbage that makes me stupider for having read it. Definitely not the kind of writer I want to be.
Which gets me to horror. I used to absolutely love horror and love writing horror. Then I had daughters. It is odd, but I feel like I don’t want to write that crap for them. I want to be better than I am and give them something to be proud of, not have to make excuses later like “yeah, my dad is a writer but most of his stuff is crap.”
That is me just being afraid and questioning my legacy I guess. Okay, I guess that this is the end of a way over due post here.
I have been finding time to write for my nerd gaming blog. So obviously the time is there more than the interest. Or is it just easier because it isn’t original and there is no pressure to be awesomely clever or witty?
Bleh. That is where I am. I am asking you for help because I don’t know what else to do.